The BandAid Strip
Place of hope, healing and new beginnings!
The powerful role of MEDIATION in SEPARATION and DIVORCE
MEDIATION means go-between, but did you know ... couple's counselling (marriage & relationship therapy) is actually a form of mediation?
When two people live together in an intimate relationship or marriage, that level of intimacy permanently changes us. It leaves an imprint on your heart and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. That bond between two people can be so strong that it will be messy to sever.
When your relationship is laced with pain, confusion or emptiness, then it means that your communication broke down, or maybe never even existed in the first place. Fact is, relationships in general, and marriages and families in particular, continue to disintegrate before our eyes and we need to do something to salvage it - to pull it out of the emotional swamp. Giving up or running away is not always the best solution.
When you feel your relationship has failed, you have tried everything and now you feel tired, deflated and defeated, then it is time for MEDIATION. Because, when two people love and live together, they gradually create certain communication and behavioural cycles, especially during an argument or a full-blown fight.
1. I donít want to talk about it ... actually means: I am tired of trying to discuss the same problem with you while you refuse to listen to me = communication shut-down.
2. You are nagging again ... actually means: You keep on trying to tell me the same thing and I still refuse to listen = communication shut-down.
3. Whatís wrong? Nothing! ... actually means: I am so unhappy and frustrated, but I know you donít want to know about it because you donít care = communication shut-down.
4. No, I have a headache or No, I am tired ... actually means: I feel lonely, unloved and unhappy, and you donít care. So, please, donít touch me = communication shut-down.
5. Oh, that old story again ... actually means: I still refuse to have a decent conversation with you about it, even though I know you need to talk about it = communication shut-down.
An experienced mediator or marriage counsellor can help two people to tear down the emotional walls, to open up the communication channels so that the debris of mistakes, wrong perceptions, insecurities, pain, scarring, confusion, anger or frustration can be dissolved.
TRUTH IS: While working separately with the two partners in a relationship or marriage, rigidity about thoughts, feelings, behaviours, judgmental attitudes and emotional shut-down patterns can be resolved and love, respect, trust and healing can be restored.
Once the communication bridge is rebuilt, the two can re-connect on a higher level of a loving, caring and sharing partnership.
MYTH: You need both parties to save a relationship or marriage. No, you donít. Often you only need one willing partner who is prepared to be open to change and personal growth. ONLY ONE! The other party does not necessarily need to know or to participate.
WHY? Because you canít change your partner, you canít change your relationship or marriage, you can only change YOU! And by being willing to change YOU, you can change your world!
If your marriage or relationship is in trouble, STOP blaming your partner Ďcos YOU hold the key to happiness and success.
Remember: a single email requiring more information or advice can possibly change your relationship or your life forever : firstname.lastname@example.org
SEPARATION? - considering divorce?
STOP! Breathe ... think carefully ... and beware!
A separation or divorce can leave a hole in your soul ... and possibly in your pocket.
Considering divorce may cause you to feel extremely lonely, confused, scared and even lost as the balance and peace in your life are seriously disturbed.
You may need an outlet for your pain, a place to vent - to tell somebody about the inner turmoil and conflict that are draining your energy, leaving you powerless and off balance.
Divorce often starts as a threat that can develop into a trial separation, after which it can easily and quickly blow up into an embittered war of hatred - sowing seeds of division, disaster and destruction.
And it hurts. It hurts like hell! In fact, it may hurt like hell for many years as in ever-after!
Never underestimate the evil toxic waves of a badly planned divorce as this destructive impact on your life is one of the most common major life traumas of our modern time, and it can easily be one of the toughest emotional nightmares youíll ever face.
Whatever your reasons for a divorce may be, it wonít make the trauma and loss any easier. The process is stressfully heart-wrenching and the aftershock can be overwhelming. As the divorce tears up the marriage certificate of your happily-ever-after, it will most certainly tear you apart as well - shredding your self-esteem, your value and belief systems, and your overall ability to love and trust again.
Divorce, in my experience, is worse than death for the pain of betrayal and loss is so angrily intense, and it remains overwhelmingly intense for such a long time. Once you were partners and lovers, now you are blood-thirsty enemies.
The person you once loved and thought you knew, does no longer exist, but may be replaced by a vindictive and spiteful stranger. Suddenly you no longer know what to expect from your former lover ... or even from yourself. Divorce will change you, guaranteed!
Before you proceed with a separation, a break-up or a divorce, make sure you know your own bigger picture and your own whole story, for there are always things you donít know, donít realise, never expected and never considered. Get in touch with an experienced divorce counsellor/coach to ensure you are doing the right thing, because often there is no turning back.
If you then know your own whole truth and you still want to proceed with a separation, break-up or divorce, then do it in the easier, kinder and more civilised way.
Should you or your partner be out on revenge, planning pay-back or a bloody war, THINK AGAIN! You will be nursing the scars of hatred, bitterness and loss for many years to come.
Much rather separate for a while, cool down and then decide to do the divorce in an amicable way - in a civilised win-win way! If you need a divorce lawyer to do the process for you, be prepared to fork out more than you can probably afford.
BUT, should you BOTH decide to do the inevitable yourself in a civilised live-and-let-live way, then make sure you know the procedure and that you will be able to follow through. IT IS EASY TO DO YOUR OWN UNCONTESTED DIVORCE IF YOU KNOW HOW! You don't need a lawyer to do it for you.
Please see the available do-your-own-divorce guidelines from the BandAid Strip in the margin of this page to guide and support you through the process.
Whatever you decide, good luck!
Emotional healing and recovery .... PAGE 3
in your relationship or marriage?
breakup, separation or divorce?
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE
TO GET DIVORCED?
When there are no complications
and no children involved, and the divorce is unopposed (uncontested), it can easily be finalised within four to six weeks and it should cost a few hundred rand, providing you know where to get
hold of your spouse who lives
in South Africa.
When there are no complications
but minor children involved, and
the divorce is unopposed, it can easily be finalised within six to
eight weeks and it should cost
a few hundred rand, providing
you know where to get
hold of your spouse who lives
in South Africa.
However, where a divorce is opposed (contested), it can take two to three years to finalise and it can cost a small fortune up to a few hundred thousand rand as you will pay for the High Court and an Advocate to represent you as well.
Your spouse can oppose the divorce, but cannot stop the divorce. It is the Court that grants a divorce and not your spouse.
If you can convince the Court that the marital relationship has irretrievably broken down, the Court can still grant a decree of divorce even if your spouse does not want to get divorced.
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO
DO YOUR OWN DIVORCE?
If both parties are in agreement on the terms of the divorce (the settlement agreement) as well
as the maintenance for and
custody of any minor children,
and both parties agreed upon an uncontested divorce, then you can easily do your own divorce.
MET ANDER WOORDE:
As jy dus jou gade kan oortuig om
NIE die egskeiding teŽ te staan nie, maar eerder sy/haar samewerking te verleen, EN jy weet hoe om die vorms te voltooi en wat om daarmee te maak, dan sal jy heeltemal instaat wees om jouself 'n fortuin te bespaar en jou eie egskeiding te liasseer en finaliseer.
THE BANDAID STRIP OFFERS
an e-book with easy step-by-step instructions on HOW TO do your own uncontested divorce where no minor children are involved, re:
* Where to find the necessary forms
* How to complete the forms
* What to do with the finalised forms
* How to draft the Deed of Settlement
* How to get a case number
* How to serve the Summons
and everything else you need to know.
You simply have to follow the complete detailed instructions in the e-book that costs only R200.
OOK IN AFRIKAANS BESKIKBAAR.
If you are interested, please send an email to:
to order and for bank details.
Alhoewel egskeiding die wettiese oplossing van 'n huwelik is, kan die ervaring bitter emosioneel, pynlik en traumaties wees - selfs woede en paniek tot gevolg hÍ.
Dit is dus absoluut tot jou voordeel om deeglik voorbereid te wees en seker te maak dat jy die nodige ondersteuning en berading tot jou beskikking het om jou dwarsdeur die proses te dra.
Dit is belangrik om te onthou om nie die besluit tot 'n egskeiding te neem terwyl jy oorweldig is deur emosies nie. So 'n besluit word kalm en oopkop geneem sodra jy seker is jy wil beslis emosionele bande met jou gade verbreek.
Marriage & relationship counselling
D.I.Y. Divorce guidance
Life crisis management skills
(life survival skills/
how to survive trauma)
Life Makeover self-help
(Healing and restoration after
divorce, bad breakup, life trauma)
* Personal consultations
* Practical workshops/lectures
* e-Courses - easy, self-help,
step-by-step training via